Backing Down the Prison Bully, Part 3
Let’s examine some of the key elements to Parts 1 and 2 of the original “prison bully” story: Recall the prison bully’s remark “Hey, man, how come you keep taking my seat?” And recall that the other prisoner did not try to ignore or deny the bully’s true intent. He knew from the very start that it was designed to “test him” for victim potential.
Second, the prisoner was aware that he was feeling a real fear, yet he knew not to convey that to the bully.
Third, the prisoner also realized that the bully’ confidence began to diminish the moment the prisoner responded, “Let me tell you something…every morning I ask my spiritual guides where you’re gonna sit…then I make sure I take your seat before you do.”
And finally, after it was clear the bully had backed down, the prisoner gave him an honorable exit by say “No problem, we all dial the wrong number sometimes Check the number next time you make the call.”
The incident is a somewhat extreme example since it took place in a prison. My point here is that the human dynamics of conflict, be it in a prison, a bar, or even at the office, all follow what is fundamentally the same “process.” It is only the intensity and consequences of those conflicts that radically differ and not the basic process itself. Understanding the process can help you to make appropriate decisions under the stress of such a conflict.
Many of us were told at a very early age, “Just ignore the bully and he will go away.” This tactic works occasionally but even then, only on the social miscreant or obnoxious person at the party. The tactic of “ignoring the bully” does not work with the real predator. Recalling what the RMCAT student sand in Part 2: “…when I think how I suffered through the man’s abuse for three and all I ahd to do was what I did, it makes me angry with myself.”
Her previous tactic was to “ignore the bully” hoping he would go away with his sexual harassment. In fact, ignoring him actually encouraged him to continue. This demonstrated to him that she would not set a verbal boundary with him. She virtually gave him a license to harass whenever it pleased him. Hence, he did just that until she set a verbal boundary. At that point, he folded immediately and finally “went away.” Is this “process” so very different from the tale of he prison bully and his reaction when he was directly confronted? Please note I say directly “confronted” and not “challenged” or “provokd.”
The predator is almost always looking for a victim and not a real fight. If he thinks he might get a real fight, than many times he will just pass you by. This is why we must recognize at once when we are being “interviewed” for our victim potential. This is the surest and safest “window of time” that you will ever get to derail the interviewer’s intended program. And that program may just to verbally humiliate you, beat you to a pulp, or even rape you. The bully will do all manner of such things to you in you allow it!
Your first and best self-defense strategies are awareness and not denying the bully’s intent. The worst things you can do is deny the very existence of such people and tell yourself that it “won’t happen to me.” A woman who walks quickly to her parked car at night at the city transit station while holding her head down and clutching tightly to her purse displays obvious fear. Alternatively, she could walk with authority leaving both hands free of any encumbrances all the while turning her head about to observes her surroundings. Consider which of these two woman think is more likely to possess “good victim potential” and be the one most likely to be attacked. Obviously, she would be the first example.
Men and women’s problems in this area of self-defense are different. But I feel from my experience that bullies and predators themselves are not so different. That is why I presented the prison bully story in the first place. Next month, we will take a look at how some of this works in the “male world” and discuss how to handle it there.
Stay alert, think in a true “martial manner,” and peace will more likely be with you
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Category: Reality Check
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About the Author (Author Profile)
: is the chief instructor at RMCAT in Colorado and the author of the book, Real Fighting, and, most recently, Freedom From Fear. He can be contacted through NAPMA.com.
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